was hoping to see other posts, so much. maybe there are none, or had too much to figure out how to see them.....has been some time. maybe 1 1/2 months. realize, now, what has happened. i guess it took some time to settle in. guess, looking for solace from someone elses post. something we both share... hard to write myself. grew up w/ jean a bit, and if anyone realized who was writing this, crying, barely able to type..so scared, angry, and hurt, and i guess, scarred.....don't know if they would believe my tears were for real, or that it was me really writing(some thought i was a tough guy, or a funny guy, how tough am i now? not very?? there are tears all over my shirt). don't know that anyone will ever see this, but, i guess writing is making me feel a bit better regardless of changing the past. it won't stop my tears, or sweep away my pain, but at least tonight, .... why not me? tomorrow, at the lau, wish she was there, so nice and great, why not me? please me. the world would be a better place...but i guess it is not that good at all, which is why i am writing.

talking w/ jmy long time ago, bout the replacements, we both had a favorite tune - he was a musician too. waitress in the sky... don't know if i hate the song now, or love it...but i listen to it every day. no matter what. i always cry. it always chokes me up. no matter what. the fact that it was cool to me and jmrgr before sep 11 is ironic. painful or not. don't know how he feels about the song anymore. don't know he has thought about it since. i don't know if i hate it, or love it. but listen to it every day. don't know otherwise... don't know how to ask him what he thinks.

thanks for letting me write what i want... i doubt anyone who knows me will ever read this, and if they do, well, i can share my grief w/ you. i wish i could share something else, but, because of some assholes, the world is a different place. i wish i was man enough to say something about jn to her family when it counted, but was too afraid. regardless, she was the best. and still is. her family too. maybe thinking about them will stop my crying. at this point, something better work before i drown myself.